Is My Brain Broken? No Confidence Here…

Feeling so small

I have been trying to apply for jobs to pull myself out of this living paycheck to paycheck reality that I have been in my entire life. When some people drive down the street and see all of the signs for businesses, they see opportunity. However, that is not what I see. Why is it so difficult for me to have any kind of confidence in myself or my abilities? Why is it so difficult for me to have any kind of confidence in the country I live in anymore?

I was talking with my partner about taking an online assessment as part of a job application (because almost all jobs require online application these days), and how intimidated I am by just the assessment. Why am I so intimidated by everything? Why am I so scared?

It was suggested to me to apply for the MAC makeup counter at one of the major department stores in the mall. Makeup has been an interest of mine, but because I was a drag queen for a while. Here come the excuses. Department stores demote if you cannot force people to fill out credit applications. When working in high-end retail, a person can be fired or demoted for customers returning purchases (even though it is not the fault of the person who sold them the item). I have no experience with high-end anything. I have no experience in retail sales. I really prefer not to work with other queens because they are hateful and rude to each other. I wouldn’t want to have to claw some queen’s eyes out because she can’t keep her mouth shut. High-end retail is a business that could die very easily in this economic slump (which will continue until we reach another full-fledged depression, I feel). I feel it wouldn’t be a good decision to go work for a company that fires floor associates because of low sales.

It was suggested that I apply for a local steakhouse. Restaurant work is all I have done, so why not? What should I apply for? Server? No, I’m very clumsy and would spill food all over my customers. In a full-service setting, I have watched many customers (while I was being a customer myself) purposely put their server through the wringer and ‘make them earn their tip.’ I would be the server who ends up making just minimum wage with my tips. Out of the question. Hostess? They don’t make money. Minimum wage. Okay, so what about the kitchen? Grill cook? No experience on my resume’. The last time I applied for a grill cook position, I was told I needed 2-3 years experience doing that. Expo? That is assembling food and is so fast paced. Again, I am clumsy and would have to correct many mistakes. Then comes the assessment, where they ask trick questions, many of which are none of their business, frankly. It scares me to death trying to answer questions on these assessments. I just took one of the assessments like this for a job I was applying for a few weeks ago, and failed it. I didn’t even get to apply for the job because I failed the assessment.

It was suggested that I apply for a job as a secretary something-or-other at a local hospital. How in the world does one get a secretarial job with no previous experience?

My confidence in this country is none. We are in the middle of the worst economic times in this lifetime. I don’t believe we will pull out of it. I think the gap between rich and poor will continue to get bigger until the middle class disappears. I also believe we are on our way to being a third world country. I think we’ve seen the most prosperous years we ever will and that things are going to get much, much worse before anything gets better. I think we need to get used to this new America and economic situation because this is going to seem like a high point in the future when we look back.

My confidence in myself is none. How can I change this? I really wish I could feel better about my abilities. The world hires cocky, self-absorbed, “I can do ANYTHING better than you!” people, but not people like me who really just want to do a good job so they can better themselves. How do I go from an “I can’t” person to an “I can” person? Where does this confidence come from? Where does the belief that ‘I can’ come from? Why do I always think that ‘I can’t?’

This is something that has haunted me my entire life and it MUST stop. I MUST CHANGE THIS. HOW? How do I believe in myself?

(This is probably the most grammatically incorrect post I have made, but I am doing this during emotional distress. I had to spill out my thoughts in whatever manner they came out. No proof-reading allowed when I have an hour before work.)


~ by blueeyedcubtn on June 11, 2011.

4 Responses to “Is My Brain Broken? No Confidence Here…”

  1. Son, why don’t you apply at a restaurant to be a host? A nicer restaurant. All you have to do is be nice to people. Tell the manager that if the opportunity presents itself you’d like to train to do other things in the place.

  2. You’d probably hate retail. If you don’t get the customers to fill out credit apps, they let you go. You have a quota.

    Also, have you ever considered working in health care? You could get a job as a patient escort, someone who takes patients too and from x-ray, operating room, things like that.

    I think you’ll find that working in a hospital would be good for you and jerk you out of this self pity rut you have your self in.

    It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re pushing a six year old to their chemo appointment.

    God bless you, and don’t give up.

    • Ken Smith,
      I have thought very long about my response to you. While I do not want to come across as ungrateful for your suggestions, I believe you are missing the point. I am not looking for sympathy and this is not about self-pity. This is about working out my self-hatred and negativity without therapy or medications. I allow commenting from people who read my blog so I can see advice or simply that I am not alone in this quest to better myself. Comments about self-pity serve no purpose but to further destroy my faltering self-worth. While I appreciate your job suggestions, you should know that regardless of my fears, I have applied for many MANY different kinds of positions in many different kinds of businesses. I have been looking for 4 years, filled out hundreds of applications and emailed my resume to dozens of places. I have gotten 2 interviews in 4 years, and apparently failed both. All of this feeds my fears that I am not worthy of anything but what I am doing now. It’s not about finding a job that I would enjoy, it’s about finding ANY job that will pay me more than minimum wage and offer me more than 25 hours a week.

      The point of this blog is not to rant and rave, gain sympathy or pity from anyone, or try to convince anyone of anything. It is a tool I am using to try to discover why I think in the manner that I do, and then reverse that thinking. I am trying to better myself without professional help. I cannot afford professional help without health insurance. My time in an IFB church and family as a child has destroyed my self-worth. As you may or may not know, to this religious organization self-esteem is a wicked thing. “It is the biggest lie sold to Christians and modern humanity. All self-esteem and self-worth is a form of selfish pride, and all pride is a sin which deserves nothing more than eternal damnation.”

      What I want you to understand is that when I was kicked out of my parents’ home and forced into the real world which I was sheltered from until that time, I went homeless and was forced into abusive situation after abusive situation. I spent so much of my time running that I never was able to work on ME. I was always afraid, angry and tired of people. All people. Now, for the first time in my life, I am not in an abusive situation. This stuff is coming to the surface and I realize I must change into a positive thinker, or die trying. That is what this blog is about. It has nothing to do with self-pity. It is an exploration of my past that I had been covering up so I wouldn’t remember. My current situation is not helped by my negativity. Everyone in this world deserves a sense of safety, and of strength. Without knowing that I can be self-sufficient without help from anyone else, I still have a lingering fear. College is being planned for. I first just have to find a decent paying job that will allow me to go to school also. I must work full-time at all times. The job I have now will not adjust my schedule to cover for classes, or I would already be in school.

      My real life is just now beginning. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

  3. If you’ll excuse my old age and having seen quite a bit of the world and how things go, maybe you’ll forgive an old man for just trying to offer some practical suggestions?

    The enemy isn’t IFBism or how you were raised of what you did after you left your parents home. The enemy is self doubt and self pity and wallowing in it.

    Modern psychotherapy methods and schools of thought are always in flux, I’d encourage you not to buy into psychobabble. Look at what therapy did for Woody Allen. He was in it for 50 years and still molested and married his stepdaughter.

    I’ll refrain from posting any further. But if you ever want to read some good books about the true story of a man who was faced with horrible circumstances, but still went on to do what some might call great things, but mostly just good things by way of making it in the world, read the books by Ralph Moody.

    Start with Little Britches and just work your way up.

    God bless you.

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